An I-message is a way of communicating a problem that a person is having without putting blame on anyone. The problem solver focuses on him or herself with this strategy. An I-message has three parts and sounds something like this:

“When you talk about my mother,
I feel hurt,
Because I care about her and I don’t like anyone speaking in a mean way about her.
I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t do that anymore.”

The bold portions, or their paraphrases, appear in all I-messages. The fourth statement above is a request for an agreement about the future.

It is important that a person speaks in an enrolling way when giving an I-message and be committed to finding a solution to the problem (committed complaint) or it won’t produce effective result.

“Committed Complaints Only” and Negotiating Deals

The fourth part of the above I-message could be the opportunity to take a simple I-message to the stage of a committed complaint. The student experiencing a problem may make the fourth part of their communication a request may accept the request or decline it. The receiver must make a “counter offer” if they decline. Two students going through this process are negotiating a deal or an agreement.

“No Complaints Without a Deal”

If both students come to an agreement, they have a deal. If either one violates the agreement, the other gets to complain. No one may complain about an issue unless he/she has negotiated a deal or agreement about it. If the student or students cannot think of a request or deal to make, they may request help from the Breakthrough Peer Mediator team or staff members.

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